Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Black fog

It's eating away at me, this black fog. Today it feels like cold icy fingers are trying to strangle me. I've spent the whole day close to tears. My energy is gone and I can't make myself do anything. The house is a mess and I don't care enough or can't find the energy to do anything about it. 

I know the kids can feel my distance and listlessness and it's breaking my heart. But how am I supposed to find my way out? I've asked for help. But no one knows how to help. I don't want medicine. These black fingers don't always chock me. Just sometimes. This time it's been longer than normal though and that does scare me.

Today I'm down. I'm not sad. I realize how blessed I am. I realize what an amazing life I have. I was even able to laugh when my son did something silly on the slide. But it felt hollow and not quite right. I'm just getting darker and more cloudy. I can't think correctly.

I'm not sure who to talk to now. If you haven't been in this place, it's hard to picture it. So unless I can find a doctor who has had depression before, I will just be talking to someone who not only can't help, but wants to put me on medicine so they can move on to the next patient.

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